You'll never know how much I care

Here I am again. I come here for the release of words and feelings. My heart is entrapped once again. I fall to easy it seems. My hope for love to be right around the corner has always been a flaw of mine. I guess I have always been really dependent but just recently has my eyes been opened to it. Every time I think I know what love is... it changes. I know what it feels like to care about someone with every fiber of your being and although sex has been a thought you really just want to hold them in your arms. With him that's how it is. I don't know what he and I are. Maybe nothing more than a mess but a happy....no not happy but a good mess. I love holding him in my arms running my hands through his hair as he drifts to sleep. I don't know what I want in this life or what it has in store for me but ever since I was little I felt like I needed to be a hero. When I was younger music was my sole salvation. My parents screamed and argued constantly. They didn't make a stereo that went up loud enough to cover that sound. I would turn up my music as loud as can be and curl up in bed and just cry. I guess I had childhood depression that carried on into my teen years. I hope no one ever feels that way that young but they do... and I hate it. Sometime I wish I could just take all the pain in the world and the hate and the terrible things and make them disappear. Even for just a day. I understand as humans we are flawed but why do some of us have to be so cruel? I wish I could take his pain away... I see it deep inside him. He hides it from even his own self. I know what it feels like to have a monster inside you. Its not your fault its there. Someone else put it there and you try day in and day out to fight it off. Its ok I am here for you. My monster is darkness... no one will ever understand what I mean though. Not even me. But its ok because you'll never see this blog. You'll never read the words written here.