Wednesday, February 23, 2011
You'll never know how much I care
Here I am again. I come here for the release of words and feelings. My heart is entrapped once again. I fall to easy it seems. My hope for love to be right around the corner has always been a flaw of mine. I guess I have always been really dependent but just recently has my eyes been opened to it. Every time I think I know what love is... it changes. I know what it feels like to care about someone with every fiber of your being and although sex has been a thought you really just want to hold them in your arms. With him that's how it is. I don't know what he and I are. Maybe nothing more than a mess but a happy....no not happy but a good mess. I love holding him in my arms running my hands through his hair as he drifts to sleep. I don't know what I want in this life or what it has in store for me but ever since I was little I felt like I needed to be a hero. When I was younger music was my sole salvation. My parents screamed and argued constantly. They didn't make a stereo that went up loud enough to cover that sound. I would turn up my music as loud as can be and curl up in bed and just cry. I guess I had childhood depression that carried on into my teen years. I hope no one ever feels that way that young but they do... and I hate it. Sometime I wish I could just take all the pain in the world and the hate and the terrible things and make them disappear. Even for just a day. I understand as humans we are flawed but why do some of us have to be so cruel? I wish I could take his pain away... I see it deep inside him. He hides it from even his own self. I know what it feels like to have a monster inside you. Its not your fault its there. Someone else put it there and you try day in and day out to fight it off. Its ok I am here for you. My monster is darkness... no one will ever understand what I mean though. Not even me. But its ok because you'll never see this blog. You'll never read the words written here.
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I just want you to know I'm here for you, and I do read this. I won't tell him you wrote this, either, but if you need to talk... just be honest with me, like you are on here. You can trust me. I won't up and reject you, even if I disagree with you or if I don't like something you do or vice versa. You don't have to be perfect for everybody. But, for me, you have to be honest, because if you can't trust me, I take it personally. One of my many flaws.
ReplyDeleteI just want you to know I'm here and I'll wait until you're ready to talk. And I won't tell him about this.
See thats the thing if you told him it wouldn't matter. It wouldn't change anything. He would either one feel bad which isn't the point of it I don't his pity or it would boost his ego. Its already awkward between him and I because I'm letting go. I have to. I mean I'll still be a friend but I can't continue what him and I do. He leads me on I know it. Everytime she gets closer to him he gets distant to me and everytime she gets distant he gets close to me. I knew that from the start thats the sad thing. But he is such a cool person and great guy and I am so lonely and to have anyone who want hold me was enough. But I realise thats just me being dependent. And he takes advantage of that need I have to be close to someone. But I just HAVE to let go before it gets to bad.
ReplyDeleteAnd Cate I do trust you. You don't even know how much I do. If I didn't I would have those talk with you. I know when I'm drunk I get more open but your the only I would talk to like that. You're a really great friend I hope you know that. Thanks for listening to me rant while I'm drunk. For real thank you for making me talk to you.
wow im sorry that you are having such issues why dont you talk to me about these things
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