Overflow

Want...it fills me. It fuels me and drives me. I don't understand this. I want everything to be okay. I don't want to make the wrong move again. Every decision I make should be thought out better this want is making it to focus on anything. I feel as though I'm just gliding through life from moment to moment. Letting go and holding on trying to make it day by day. I'm in over my head and it's only a matter of time before I hurt someone or get hurt. I feel as though I am reading this whole situation wrong. Human touch is what I ache for day by day and he fills that gap so brilliantly. His intelligence moves me. I'm doing it all over again. Obeying my natural want without hesitation. What am I doing here? Does he feel anything like what I do? A fool with foolish thoughts. I ache for that sweet release that I can't seem to reach on my own anymore. Is this a side effect of my addiction or is it love I seek. I don't know how to feel, but I do feel, whatever it is strongly. Word flood forward but I feel the need to censor them to change them for fear of what he'll say. Sleep seems so far away. Just this ache at the deepest part of me. I wanna numb this ache with physical touch even for just one night.

...why?

I remember the days I use to breath in your words and let out a giggle of content. Those days seem like yesterday yet at the same time decades away. I don't understand how you always end up in my life. It's so strange to see you. It's like our lives are running parallel to each other. Are we just waiting till the other is ready? The way you look at me says you haven't forgot me and I see a slight pain in your eyes...is that true or do my eyes see only what my mind wishes? So I sit here in my bed sipping on the devils poison to help me forget knowing it'll only bring me closer to the memories of you. I push everyone else away so I can sit here with my memories of you. Their like old faded photo's that you can barely see the people in them. So I sit in these decaying remembrance. What made my heart leap into your hands so quickly? I barely knew you and to this day I know almost nothing about you. So what is it about you my dear?

Marry the night

It's so strange that every person in my life has entered and left when needed. Like they are all on a certain time-line to be in my life. All the choices I've made in my life have led me to this point and every choice from here on will lead me to the life I'll have. Those I have faught to keep in my life have had such a big impact on my life, some stayed but some left big holes in my heart. Now I look at this man that I long to see every morning and wonder if he has had a love that will never leave his heart. That one person we both know I'll never be able to replace. She was everything he wanted and she left him beaten but not broken. I don't know what it is but every part of me wants to let him know he loved and cared about and awesome. I feel like he and I are both looking for someone to share our time, at least part of it, with but we are apprihencive about it. Maybe, we're scared to love or to hurt another person. Slowly trying to let go of our past we try new things. Neither of us knows what will happen on the day of our meeting but I feel like it's going to be life changing. Not just meeting him but going to London with a best friend I've made in less than a year. He and I are so impulsive its wonderful! Without him I would have been a complete mess after losing her. Although, I've never said it he knows he means alot to me and has done alot for me. I'll have his back till the day we die. Maybe, the reason people think I'm dating my friends is because I love them more than society says I should. I choose friends based on who they are and not by what they look like or social status. When I tell someone I love them or like them I mean it with my whole heart. It's not a status given lightly by me. If you have made it into my heart you should feel so very special because you will ALWAYS be there even if we never talk to each other again. Every single one of you cross my mind at different times but almost,if not, everyday. My love may change or grow but it is forever. You two gave me the one gift I've never had and that is confidence. I thank you for that. <3 He and I had to wait to become friends until now because I wasn't ready for him back then.

formspring.me

Ask me questions about anything http://www.formspring.me/Robottii

Breath in the Words I Tried to Send

You're stuck in my mind like a disease. I can't do anything without you being there. I don't even know you. But I adore you. How can this be? I'd drop everything I have right now to be with you. Is this new or a memory of past love? I am a fool as you should know now. I'm a crazy emotion filled woman and I have passion beyond your wildest dreams and fantasies. But I can't promise I'll always be there. I can't stay in one place long. It depresses me to stuck in a single location, knowing the same people and their every movements. I can't do it anymore. I need to see the world. I need to meet new people. I'm so sick of taking care of people. I thought I wanted people to need me and I do to a point but this is ridiculous. I shouldn't be the air that you breath and only with me around you will live. I hate that so much because when I fall in love with a man it is because of who he is without me. I'm not perfection...I am me. I have a million flaws and I still love myself with all of them...well most of the time. But the sad thing is that I feel like you're become like the rest. I mean it's not a bad thing. I feel like I impact everyone who lets me close enough to do so. I change people and that sounds cocky but we all do. Everything we do effects someone else. Oh and words...words are the most powerful thing on this planet. The words are what makes us the alpha's of the animal kingdom. It's so strange that the most minuit words can change someone so much. Simple words when put together in a sentence can change a person. But what do you do when your words won't go through? Because you are your words.

Life in Prospective

I just feel that I'm in a place right now that I need to get rid of all my baggage. I need a fresh start in a new place with new faces, especially a certain British one. I have no idea what the world holds for me but I feel being here with people who constantly hold me back will be the end of me. I can't stay here and be happy! I need to live my life because right now I'm just here barely breathing. I kinda wanna disappear and tell no one where I've gone. Start over new in a place of my choosing. Is what speak of complete nonsense? I may only be 19 but something tells me to run to you. My mind seems to be saying, "Leeds" with only an accent that I know to be you. Forgive me for my faults...for my dark past weighs heavy on my mind. Is it really as dark as my parents play it out to be? Ask not about my past just keep in mind that I like you and you make me happy. You know by this blog that I fall so quickly but I like how you have kept me at somewhat of a distance. I like how you are so very cautious with me and at times too shy to speak. I like your innocence. Its hard to find here. I like how you appreciate my body without being a total perv about it. I like how there is this side of you that kinda wants to be a perv about it. I like how you seem to like me back. I like that I'm on your mind. And I like how even though I'm on your mind you still continue with your life. I like how if we never talked again you'd be ok. I like how your American accent is terrible and how I can't tell if your singing is rubbish or your just playing around. I like how you try so hard to make me smile. I like how we have kinda know each other for awhile but just now really started speaking. I like how surprised you are when I tell you that I think you're fit and have thought so for awhile. I like how talking to you made me realise that I need to just let go. And I think it is crazy that I actually have considered leaving everything here behind and living there. Maybe it's because I live in this fantasy world but I just feel like my happy ending isn't here in Oklahoma. I'm not ok with settling down in Oklahoma and raising a family. I want more out of life!!!! I wanna see the world and I don't want people around that tell me that I can't. I'm tired of being chained down in Oklahoma when I could be free and happy in London. I don't know if you'll ever read this but I'm not happy here.

Relief

You know when you find those rare moments of peace among the chaos? That is where my happy place is! It's that moment of just pure bliss and even though everything may fall apart tomorrow...right now it's okay....everything is okay. And all the things stressing me out seem so far away and I'm okay. All the great friends I have lost seem...seem well okay...in a way that their happy now and not in a way that I'm happy to be rid of them because believe me I, for one, am not. This is the moment that every addict lives for...the outcome of bliss from their addiction. It may be wrong and misunderstand from one addict to another but they all...we all understand that moment of bliss after the deed is done. In that moment we don't feel dirty or depressed...we just feel happy and content. Whatever the addiction may be whether its drugs or sex or religion it keeps us living and fighting for another day. And who am I or you to say that one is more wrong than another? We all just want freedom from the stress of this world and it is your choice to make about your body and mine to make about my own. Every single person has an addition. So why cast one out for sex when the other is smoking up a storm? Why cast out a druggie when the other is getting a religious high? We're all just living for those moments of bliss...even if it destroys us.