Broken from his absence

Tonight I'll let my tears fall and he will not know. I'll hide my empty pain from him from now on. He will only see me content. Never again will he have to hear my pathetic cry. He will be shield from the darkness. He will only see the light even if its fake. I will protect his heart from my cold bitter soul. Depression its back like a lost friend. I can see he is growing tired of me. I am no longer special. Was I ever? Only god knows. Maybe its my place to disappear. Maybe its my destiny to fade away into the darkness and never return. Would he notice? I know I'm not worth a second of his time. I'm no better than the rest. He will tire of me like he did her. I don't wanna hold him back but I just don't wanna let go. I will if he wants me to. As much as I want to tell him my pain I will not burden him with it. I will not tell anyone. I'll cry the night away and put the mask of happiness on during the day. I know everyone would be happier if I was gone but I'm not strong enough to do it. I wish I could make their lives better but I can't. I know he is tired of me. He deserves so much better.

What is wrong?

Tonight my boyfriend claimed like many others to have been touched by god. I don't understand this. He says i'm just not ready yet. But will I ever be? I find myself closer to the side of science instead of "blind" beliefs. I guess if you have faith then you don't need proof. But am I wrong if I'm not ready to follow mindlessly to a religion. Am I some kind of "evil?"

The brighter side of life

I've been given a great life by my parents. There is no doubt about that. They spoiled me like crazy but raised me still with my humanity present. I have this feeling like I'm destined for something more. Like it's waiting to be released. Its just finding that thing that makes this unsettling feeling disappear. I feel trapped but yet not. I drift away from this world in a good book. It takes me away from the reality of my failing life. I just can't seem to get it right most of the time. I found a wonderful guy that brings the happiness and sadness in just the right amount. He makes me see the world a bit differently than I am. He will never know how much he really saved me. I just wish I could have been the one to save him. Because I know he'll never forget the person who did and neither will I. It sucks because I want to be the savior. You know? The one needed the most. I guess that's a downfall of mine. I just want to be needed and no one seems to find a need for me. Ugh there I go again bring the pathetic side out. He will not be forgotten and I hope a time never comes were I have to pretend to. He will be in my mind forever whether it be happy memories or haunting me (if he shall decide to leave). And I am happy about that. For if it wasn't for him I would be seeing this world in this new shade of bright! I love him and glad he decided to have me be part of his life!