I don't want the depression to come back :(

I'm so alone now. No one wants or needs me around. So why I do I hold onto this life so helplessly. I'm not really special at anything. I don't do anything extrodinary. I'm just a broken lost soul. Is my fate really to end up alone with only my broken dreams to clasps to. Do you know that kind of pain that seeps deep into your soul that only your loved one can cause? It just eats you inside and out like nothing else. How can I love myself when most out there just one bring me down? I know I don't deserve his love or anyones. My fears are put out in my face almost everyday. They all show me the failure I am told I will become...And no out there has time to read my words but him. I don't know if he even cares to read them. He has become so cold and numb to me when the distance is great for long period of times. I know he loves and cares for he shows it a times but not when I break down. He only has hate for me when the tears fall. I am so loyal to him and he doesn't believe me. No other guy would even take the time to look at me even if I cared for them to. Which I am not. One good thing that happened after coming back to edmond is after the belt test the first time in my life my mom said she was proud of me and meant it. yay. Progress is being made I hope. Just wish I was with him...

wish i was with you

The loneliness is the usual now. I hurt from the lack of you. Were still the way we were before right? I haven't fucked everything up right? How does one make it through life without being depressed? What did I do wrong? What if I can't be happy all the time? Will that make you want to leave? What if I can never learn to love myself because people are constantly showing me the ugly they see in me? You say I'm beautiful but I know I can't be the most beautiful girl you've seen. You say I always look sad on vf but do you understand that its the distance from you that makes me sad? I'm missing all the little things I take for granted when I'm with you like being able to hold your arm as we walked along or the walks with you or simply the feeling of your hand in mine. I don't know what to with myself anymore. And everyday it seems like some girl could come by and still you from me and I wouldn't even have a chance to stop it. Your so hansome, kind, sweet and loving. I'm lucky you even give a broken girl like me a chance when there are so many other I know that prolly try for you everyday. I know you think I'm crazy to think this way. Maybe I think this way because my mom does. I've become the one person I never wanted to be like. Please save me from her terrible fate. I don't want to be her! She is everything I don't wanna be but everything I'm becoming. Save me. I've been so close to death before. I'm trying to fight these demons away for you. Something is wrong in my head and I don't know why. What if I'm crazy...I know I sound crazy. I have no idea why my head is messed up. And I don't wanna drag you down with me but I need you!