I don't want the depression to come back :(

I'm so alone now. No one wants or needs me around. So why I do I hold onto this life so helplessly. I'm not really special at anything. I don't do anything extrodinary. I'm just a broken lost soul. Is my fate really to end up alone with only my broken dreams to clasps to. Do you know that kind of pain that seeps deep into your soul that only your loved one can cause? It just eats you inside and out like nothing else. How can I love myself when most out there just one bring me down? I know I don't deserve his love or anyones. My fears are put out in my face almost everyday. They all show me the failure I am told I will become...And no out there has time to read my words but him. I don't know if he even cares to read them. He has become so cold and numb to me when the distance is great for long period of times. I know he loves and cares for he shows it a times but not when I break down. He only has hate for me when the tears fall. I am so loyal to him and he doesn't believe me. No other guy would even take the time to look at me even if I cared for them to. Which I am not. One good thing that happened after coming back to edmond is after the belt test the first time in my life my mom said she was proud of me and meant it. yay. Progress is being made I hope. Just wish I was with him...