I don't know how love I can take this....

I look in the mirror at this face I can't stand. I lift my shirt to find a mostly flat stomach and its not enough. I look at myself in such disgust and I can't stand it. I look down at my thighs and I'm repulsed by it size if on anyone else I wouldn't care. But on me it brings a knot to my stomach. How can I be a slut when I can't even catch the eyes of a man? How vain I can be and yet you still see me as humble. I'm a terrible thing I really am. I am a bad act waiting to happen and a bad influence that happened out of shear luck. Luck may not be the right word but it works for now. I want to be alone but then I have a hatred of being alone. Because I sit here and see how terrible I am. And my parents aren't shy to point out all that is wrong with me. I never seem to do enough and always seem to do whats wrong. How can a flower grow if its deprived of sunlight. Those shallow moments you decide to tell me how proud you are of me you follow it up with all that I'm doing wrong and how so much better I could be if I weren't me. I get it I know I'm a lazy slut in your eyes but just because I'm living my summer out alone because a lack of car and lots of friends doesn't mean you should tear me down more. Because one day...ONE DAY I WON'T BE ABLE TO TAKE IT ANYMORE AND I'LL BE DEAD...

LUST!

What am I to do? You led me on so easily. Not that it was hard for you with your charm and my want for human touch. Now you play with my emotions and make my heart ache. And you not talking to me is making me want you more. I feel that as soon as I let you in you'll rip my world apart. I want you and for some reason I want to date you! Its not so strange I've a crush on you before. Is my lust such a terrible thing? Would you break me into peices if I let you in? I need to get out of ths mind! I need to stop ths want...this painful lust! Do you even care about me? Would you care if I was dead? Please let me know you care! I'm becoming attached and it terrible! I need to let go! I'm so tired of being alone!!! Why do I feel the need to date you? I miss your touch...

Forget me...please don't leave me.

Is this what life is all about? Living for the little moments of happiness. The car rides with windows down and music pulsing through your veins. Is that what life is all about. Moments of happiness for times of deep sadness. A sadness that in soak in your bones and won't wash away but is hidden by the suns sweet blinding gaze. People see me in the light and see not my side of treacherous things. I am no saint... I've done things that nobody should do. And I can tell no one. I'll lose them all if I did. I'll lose my sun and windowless car rides. I am broken that is clearly seen but you'll never know who or what broke me. I am told I have a whole life ahead of me but I don't know how I can handle it. Who was I kidding I'm no hero. No matter all the good I do I will never be able to back that moment I'll never get "redemption" if you will for lack of a better word. Trust me not for I am a pitiful shell of a human. I have gotten all I deserved. All I had given I was served back. And I deserve it ten times worse. I didn't know...I mean I did but I didn't. That is no excuse though. I how do I be happy when I'm alone?