random thoughts

The room was a blur of light and dark. My ears were flooded with upbeat tempos begging my body to move to it. My breath was short and quick and my mind was slowed. My body moved before I could register it. We were spinning in the blur of light with heavy tension between us. Our eyes spoke what out minds screamed. Each time I remember this it grow less and less like moment was. But the fondest part is the questioning of my actions. I knew not what to do next.

A shot to the chest

I am a fool. Why am I so blind? I keep putting myself in this position and I feel that I'll never learn. My need for love and attention is strong and deep inside of me. And as much as I try to love...I just keep hurting people. He almost died because of me...ME. What am I? I am nothing special in the least. Hopefully now he can be happy.

Thoughts better left unsaid

You ever get that feeling like you need to rebel against everything you are? Like you and everything in your life is meaning less? Like nothing makes since anymore. They don't get you... no one does. Everyone is just a product of a flawed idea. Nothing new or original can come of anyone because were all the same. Trends go and come as do ideas. We follow leaders of intelligence or beauty but what are the value in either of these if no one else understands you or not a single thought of relevance enters your head. The masses flock to stupidity to find bliss. They believe that some higher being is out there and created everything just so they don't have to find the true answer. I don't understand why they follow so blindly. Doesn't their mind ask them...tell them to seek out the truth? Do they willingly push those thought away or is it a product if the system? And what of this holy bible? Words written in a book that people claimed as real and important so let us all follow it blindly with no objections or questions. Does anyone really have a mind of their own? Or is our every thought just a product of others influence. My thoughts here written for all to see are just a product of others thoughts but are they my own conclusions or are they the thoughts of others close to me? Every person even those close to you are just trying to get deep into your mind. Reach into the depths of it and pull what you is left in there out.Who knows if this thought process is true or just the thought to misguide you from the truth. But in any case they are cast off as the thoughts of a crazy person to those who are blind. Those who live in the dim light and are ok with it and have no ambition for more.

6 Months

If you look at me now and at me 6 months ago you would see a different person. 6 months ago I was ending my last year of highschool and scared to face the world ahead with a vage idea of what my future held. Friends came then with easy a shot in one hand and a mind filled with secrets. I hid behind a mask and felt as though every word I said had to be correct or the mask would break and those friends would dissapear. One day I decided to be brave to be vunerable to those I held dear. I lost a friend I had gotten close to these past 6 months and though it hurt I learned to let go. Why hold on to what was never mine to hold onto? I am the keeper of my fate and she is of her fate. I'm not proud of the actions I took the past 6 months but I loved the memories I made. I helped a bird fly that without me seemed to have clipped wings. Or rather a flower that grew new petals of firey reds and oranges. After all pain is the best inspiration. In the matter of weeks I've been away I've grown inside so much. I now know we were never met to really be friends we were suppose to be blips in each others life. From here we grow. I will fly higher than I've ever been and you will grow to have the brightest of petals. Direct your life how you want it to be.

STARVED

The hunger is more than some can deal with.
It drives us all forward towards greatness or failure.
It’s our addictions and our goals.
We become our greatest hunger.
It’s our only desire!
The hunger for food,
For lust,
For love,
For ourselves,
For a way out,
For that next fix.
We all do it.
We all try to hide it…
Our worst hunger from the all-knowing faces.
We all just want someone in which we can share and heal our hunger.
We are in such need that it threatens to take our very lives or others.
Some do fall to the hunger, the desire,
The want to reach either happiness or nothingness.
Decide your path carefully before the hunger takes over
And chooses for you.

Warning this is an over dramatic, hormonal post. DO NOT TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY!

Dear Tommy Carnation,
I love you to death but you're tearing me apart. You'd rather hang out with him and well Hannah but she isn't what I'm upset over I actually expected that. But you would hand out with that guy you've hated with a passion for so long and you've told me that multiple times. You lied to me which I guess I deserve but didn't expect. I get your upset really I do but you said we were still friends. Your avoiding me and it hurts because I know you are. I've seen you do it to others before I just never thought you'd actually do it to me. You said we're still friends but are we really? You're avoiding me like I'm the worst person in the world. Since when is being third wheel with Hannah and fucking PETER RAMOS better than hanging with me? I didn't become your friend for physical stuff. That stuff just happened and I told josh about it and he said was ok he understood. I never lied about anything else! But why would you believe me? And you'll read this and more than likely become more angry but seriously what do I have to lose anymore? You won't even hardly talk to me let alone hang with me. See that's the bad thing about us...we're so much alike yet so different. You're my BEST FRIEND!!! Well you were and I miss you like fucking crazy. You don't even know. An it hurts so bad that you'd rather hang out with others than me and especially Peter Ramos!!! You might as well have slit my chest open and tore my heart out and hacked it to pieces. I hurt you and you hurt me. Now can we go to like it used to be? You don't know how many tears I've cried because I knew I hurt you. I balled my fucking eyes out. I couldn't word it right in text there is no way I could of in person. I know I should have told you sooner but I didn't and I can't change that. But really Peter Ramos? Fucking A! Seriously? And if you don't wanna hang out with me just say so. I know I hurt you but you're seriously breaking my heart. I love you like a sister! I'm just so fucking sorry!!! OK?

Missing you,
Mikey Cardinal

I don't know how love I can take this....

I look in the mirror at this face I can't stand. I lift my shirt to find a mostly flat stomach and its not enough. I look at myself in such disgust and I can't stand it. I look down at my thighs and I'm repulsed by it size if on anyone else I wouldn't care. But on me it brings a knot to my stomach. How can I be a slut when I can't even catch the eyes of a man? How vain I can be and yet you still see me as humble. I'm a terrible thing I really am. I am a bad act waiting to happen and a bad influence that happened out of shear luck. Luck may not be the right word but it works for now. I want to be alone but then I have a hatred of being alone. Because I sit here and see how terrible I am. And my parents aren't shy to point out all that is wrong with me. I never seem to do enough and always seem to do whats wrong. How can a flower grow if its deprived of sunlight. Those shallow moments you decide to tell me how proud you are of me you follow it up with all that I'm doing wrong and how so much better I could be if I weren't me. I get it I know I'm a lazy slut in your eyes but just because I'm living my summer out alone because a lack of car and lots of friends doesn't mean you should tear me down more. Because one day...ONE DAY I WON'T BE ABLE TO TAKE IT ANYMORE AND I'LL BE DEAD...