Warning this is an over dramatic, hormonal post. DO NOT TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY!

Dear Tommy Carnation,
I love you to death but you're tearing me apart. You'd rather hang out with him and well Hannah but she isn't what I'm upset over I actually expected that. But you would hand out with that guy you've hated with a passion for so long and you've told me that multiple times. You lied to me which I guess I deserve but didn't expect. I get your upset really I do but you said we were still friends. Your avoiding me and it hurts because I know you are. I've seen you do it to others before I just never thought you'd actually do it to me. You said we're still friends but are we really? You're avoiding me like I'm the worst person in the world. Since when is being third wheel with Hannah and fucking PETER RAMOS better than hanging with me? I didn't become your friend for physical stuff. That stuff just happened and I told josh about it and he said was ok he understood. I never lied about anything else! But why would you believe me? And you'll read this and more than likely become more angry but seriously what do I have to lose anymore? You won't even hardly talk to me let alone hang with me. See that's the bad thing about us...we're so much alike yet so different. You're my BEST FRIEND!!! Well you were and I miss you like fucking crazy. You don't even know. An it hurts so bad that you'd rather hang out with others than me and especially Peter Ramos!!! You might as well have slit my chest open and tore my heart out and hacked it to pieces. I hurt you and you hurt me. Now can we go to like it used to be? You don't know how many tears I've cried because I knew I hurt you. I balled my fucking eyes out. I couldn't word it right in text there is no way I could of in person. I know I should have told you sooner but I didn't and I can't change that. But really Peter Ramos? Fucking A! Seriously? And if you don't wanna hang out with me just say so. I know I hurt you but you're seriously breaking my heart. I love you like a sister! I'm just so fucking sorry!!! OK?

Missing you,
Mikey Cardinal

I don't know how love I can take this....

I look in the mirror at this face I can't stand. I lift my shirt to find a mostly flat stomach and its not enough. I look at myself in such disgust and I can't stand it. I look down at my thighs and I'm repulsed by it size if on anyone else I wouldn't care. But on me it brings a knot to my stomach. How can I be a slut when I can't even catch the eyes of a man? How vain I can be and yet you still see me as humble. I'm a terrible thing I really am. I am a bad act waiting to happen and a bad influence that happened out of shear luck. Luck may not be the right word but it works for now. I want to be alone but then I have a hatred of being alone. Because I sit here and see how terrible I am. And my parents aren't shy to point out all that is wrong with me. I never seem to do enough and always seem to do whats wrong. How can a flower grow if its deprived of sunlight. Those shallow moments you decide to tell me how proud you are of me you follow it up with all that I'm doing wrong and how so much better I could be if I weren't me. I get it I know I'm a lazy slut in your eyes but just because I'm living my summer out alone because a lack of car and lots of friends doesn't mean you should tear me down more. Because one day...ONE DAY I WON'T BE ABLE TO TAKE IT ANYMORE AND I'LL BE DEAD...

LUST!

What am I to do? You led me on so easily. Not that it was hard for you with your charm and my want for human touch. Now you play with my emotions and make my heart ache. And you not talking to me is making me want you more. I feel that as soon as I let you in you'll rip my world apart. I want you and for some reason I want to date you! Its not so strange I've a crush on you before. Is my lust such a terrible thing? Would you break me into peices if I let you in? I need to get out of ths mind! I need to stop ths want...this painful lust! Do you even care about me? Would you care if I was dead? Please let me know you care! I'm becoming attached and it terrible! I need to let go! I'm so tired of being alone!!! Why do I feel the need to date you? I miss your touch...

Forget me...please don't leave me.

Is this what life is all about? Living for the little moments of happiness. The car rides with windows down and music pulsing through your veins. Is that what life is all about. Moments of happiness for times of deep sadness. A sadness that in soak in your bones and won't wash away but is hidden by the suns sweet blinding gaze. People see me in the light and see not my side of treacherous things. I am no saint... I've done things that nobody should do. And I can tell no one. I'll lose them all if I did. I'll lose my sun and windowless car rides. I am broken that is clearly seen but you'll never know who or what broke me. I am told I have a whole life ahead of me but I don't know how I can handle it. Who was I kidding I'm no hero. No matter all the good I do I will never be able to back that moment I'll never get "redemption" if you will for lack of a better word. Trust me not for I am a pitiful shell of a human. I have gotten all I deserved. All I had given I was served back. And I deserve it ten times worse. I didn't know...I mean I did but I didn't. That is no excuse though. I how do I be happy when I'm alone?

You're so blind...

Do you see? What you were to me is no longer. You were my vice... My reason to continue but now...now your gone. You don't see me. There is no longer room for me in your life. I don't understand but it hurts. I'm falling apart. This lonely heart of mine aches. This ache that's cured temporarily by friends but it returns. I love them dearly but there is a hole in my heart that needs filled. The pain they held off for so long has returned. I can't seem to fight it. There is no clever lines this time. All the words you said now break my heart.

What is happening in this world?

So many suicides of todays youth. So many of us who can't bare to deal with what the world has become!!! Have we gotten smarter or more stupid? Some of us blindly following faith that has been so deeply rooted and others casting the roots of religion that now seems so foolish and impossible aside. Who is right in this world? Is it better to be ignorant of the world and hope a invisible being will save you and to thank him when he tears your world apart. Or is it better to know and to have knowledge but be in pain at the weight of this knowledge because so many have choosen to never learn it and never give it a chance because an all mighty book says not to. How can such good people be so blind but they do live in bliss their blind bliss that everything will be ok if they believe in there almighty god. If they refuse all that is natural and human then they will be saved after they die from the fires of "hell." How ironic after you waste your life away on this so called "almighty being" and then when you die you get to live in this so called "Heavan." How can a book control so many people so much? Yes books are wonderful but why have people let them and unknown beings control them. Is it  so they cn blindly continue on and not see the cruelity of this world? Do they see that some are so impacted even though blind to what has hit them they tear apart what they don't understand. The radical ones destroy what is different to what they believe in. Not all  become radical but it just a step away. Before long the ones who don't submit to blind faith will not have to commit suicide because they will kill us for lack of knowing anything better. If their god says kill they do it without question. Why are so many easily swayed? Can't a world survive without this nonsence of religion? All I know is there is bound to be change sooner or later.

You'll never know how much I care

Here I am again. I come here for the release of words and feelings. My heart is entrapped once again. I fall to easy it seems. My hope for love to be right around the corner has always been a flaw of mine. I guess I have always been really dependent but just recently has my eyes been opened to it. Every time I think I know what love is... it changes. I know what it feels like to care about someone with every fiber of your being and although sex has been a thought you really just want to hold them in your arms. With him that's how it is. I don't know what he and I are. Maybe nothing more than a mess but a happy....no not happy but a good mess. I love holding him in my arms running my hands through his hair as he drifts to sleep. I don't know what I want in this life or what it has in store for me but ever since I was little I felt like I needed to be a hero. When I was younger music was my sole salvation. My parents screamed and argued constantly. They didn't make a stereo that went up loud enough to cover that sound. I would turn up my music as loud as can be and curl up in bed and just cry. I guess I had childhood depression that carried on into my teen years. I hope no one ever feels that way that young but they do... and I hate it. Sometime I wish I could just take all the pain in the world and the hate and the terrible things and make them disappear. Even for just a day. I understand as humans we are flawed but why do some of us have to be so cruel? I wish I could take his pain away... I see it deep inside him. He hides it from even his own self. I know what it feels like to have a monster inside you. Its not your fault its there. Someone else put it there and you try day in and day out to fight it off. Its ok I am here for you. My monster is darkness... no one will ever understand what I mean though. Not even me. But its ok because you'll never see this blog. You'll never read the words written here.