6 Months

If you look at me now and at me 6 months ago you would see a different person. 6 months ago I was ending my last year of highschool and scared to face the world ahead with a vage idea of what my future held. Friends came then with easy a shot in one hand and a mind filled with secrets. I hid behind a mask and felt as though every word I said had to be correct or the mask would break and those friends would dissapear. One day I decided to be brave to be vunerable to those I held dear. I lost a friend I had gotten close to these past 6 months and though it hurt I learned to let go. Why hold on to what was never mine to hold onto? I am the keeper of my fate and she is of her fate. I'm not proud of the actions I took the past 6 months but I loved the memories I made. I helped a bird fly that without me seemed to have clipped wings. Or rather a flower that grew new petals of firey reds and oranges. After all pain is the best inspiration. In the matter of weeks I've been away I've grown inside so much. I now know we were never met to really be friends we were suppose to be blips in each others life. From here we grow. I will fly higher than I've ever been and you will grow to have the brightest of petals. Direct your life how you want it to be.

STARVED

The hunger is more than some can deal with.
It drives us all forward towards greatness or failure.
It’s our addictions and our goals.
We become our greatest hunger.
It’s our only desire!
The hunger for food,
For lust,
For love,
For ourselves,
For a way out,
For that next fix.
We all do it.
We all try to hide it…
Our worst hunger from the all-knowing faces.
We all just want someone in which we can share and heal our hunger.
We are in such need that it threatens to take our very lives or others.
Some do fall to the hunger, the desire,
The want to reach either happiness or nothingness.
Decide your path carefully before the hunger takes over
And chooses for you.

Warning this is an over dramatic, hormonal post. DO NOT TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY!

Dear Tommy Carnation,
I love you to death but you're tearing me apart. You'd rather hang out with him and well Hannah but she isn't what I'm upset over I actually expected that. But you would hand out with that guy you've hated with a passion for so long and you've told me that multiple times. You lied to me which I guess I deserve but didn't expect. I get your upset really I do but you said we were still friends. Your avoiding me and it hurts because I know you are. I've seen you do it to others before I just never thought you'd actually do it to me. You said we're still friends but are we really? You're avoiding me like I'm the worst person in the world. Since when is being third wheel with Hannah and fucking PETER RAMOS better than hanging with me? I didn't become your friend for physical stuff. That stuff just happened and I told josh about it and he said was ok he understood. I never lied about anything else! But why would you believe me? And you'll read this and more than likely become more angry but seriously what do I have to lose anymore? You won't even hardly talk to me let alone hang with me. See that's the bad thing about us...we're so much alike yet so different. You're my BEST FRIEND!!! Well you were and I miss you like fucking crazy. You don't even know. An it hurts so bad that you'd rather hang out with others than me and especially Peter Ramos!!! You might as well have slit my chest open and tore my heart out and hacked it to pieces. I hurt you and you hurt me. Now can we go to like it used to be? You don't know how many tears I've cried because I knew I hurt you. I balled my fucking eyes out. I couldn't word it right in text there is no way I could of in person. I know I should have told you sooner but I didn't and I can't change that. But really Peter Ramos? Fucking A! Seriously? And if you don't wanna hang out with me just say so. I know I hurt you but you're seriously breaking my heart. I love you like a sister! I'm just so fucking sorry!!! OK?

Missing you,
Mikey Cardinal

I don't know how love I can take this....

I look in the mirror at this face I can't stand. I lift my shirt to find a mostly flat stomach and its not enough. I look at myself in such disgust and I can't stand it. I look down at my thighs and I'm repulsed by it size if on anyone else I wouldn't care. But on me it brings a knot to my stomach. How can I be a slut when I can't even catch the eyes of a man? How vain I can be and yet you still see me as humble. I'm a terrible thing I really am. I am a bad act waiting to happen and a bad influence that happened out of shear luck. Luck may not be the right word but it works for now. I want to be alone but then I have a hatred of being alone. Because I sit here and see how terrible I am. And my parents aren't shy to point out all that is wrong with me. I never seem to do enough and always seem to do whats wrong. How can a flower grow if its deprived of sunlight. Those shallow moments you decide to tell me how proud you are of me you follow it up with all that I'm doing wrong and how so much better I could be if I weren't me. I get it I know I'm a lazy slut in your eyes but just because I'm living my summer out alone because a lack of car and lots of friends doesn't mean you should tear me down more. Because one day...ONE DAY I WON'T BE ABLE TO TAKE IT ANYMORE AND I'LL BE DEAD...

LUST!

What am I to do? You led me on so easily. Not that it was hard for you with your charm and my want for human touch. Now you play with my emotions and make my heart ache. And you not talking to me is making me want you more. I feel that as soon as I let you in you'll rip my world apart. I want you and for some reason I want to date you! Its not so strange I've a crush on you before. Is my lust such a terrible thing? Would you break me into peices if I let you in? I need to get out of ths mind! I need to stop ths want...this painful lust! Do you even care about me? Would you care if I was dead? Please let me know you care! I'm becoming attached and it terrible! I need to let go! I'm so tired of being alone!!! Why do I feel the need to date you? I miss your touch...

Forget me...please don't leave me.

Is this what life is all about? Living for the little moments of happiness. The car rides with windows down and music pulsing through your veins. Is that what life is all about. Moments of happiness for times of deep sadness. A sadness that in soak in your bones and won't wash away but is hidden by the suns sweet blinding gaze. People see me in the light and see not my side of treacherous things. I am no saint... I've done things that nobody should do. And I can tell no one. I'll lose them all if I did. I'll lose my sun and windowless car rides. I am broken that is clearly seen but you'll never know who or what broke me. I am told I have a whole life ahead of me but I don't know how I can handle it. Who was I kidding I'm no hero. No matter all the good I do I will never be able to back that moment I'll never get "redemption" if you will for lack of a better word. Trust me not for I am a pitiful shell of a human. I have gotten all I deserved. All I had given I was served back. And I deserve it ten times worse. I didn't know...I mean I did but I didn't. That is no excuse though. I how do I be happy when I'm alone?

You're so blind...

Do you see? What you were to me is no longer. You were my vice... My reason to continue but now...now your gone. You don't see me. There is no longer room for me in your life. I don't understand but it hurts. I'm falling apart. This lonely heart of mine aches. This ache that's cured temporarily by friends but it returns. I love them dearly but there is a hole in my heart that needs filled. The pain they held off for so long has returned. I can't seem to fight it. There is no clever lines this time. All the words you said now break my heart.