You're so blind...

Do you see? What you were to me is no longer. You were my vice... My reason to continue but now...now your gone. You don't see me. There is no longer room for me in your life. I don't understand but it hurts. I'm falling apart. This lonely heart of mine aches. This ache that's cured temporarily by friends but it returns. I love them dearly but there is a hole in my heart that needs filled. The pain they held off for so long has returned. I can't seem to fight it. There is no clever lines this time. All the words you said now break my heart.

What is happening in this world?

So many suicides of todays youth. So many of us who can't bare to deal with what the world has become!!! Have we gotten smarter or more stupid? Some of us blindly following faith that has been so deeply rooted and others casting the roots of religion that now seems so foolish and impossible aside. Who is right in this world? Is it better to be ignorant of the world and hope a invisible being will save you and to thank him when he tears your world apart. Or is it better to know and to have knowledge but be in pain at the weight of this knowledge because so many have choosen to never learn it and never give it a chance because an all mighty book says not to. How can such good people be so blind but they do live in bliss their blind bliss that everything will be ok if they believe in there almighty god. If they refuse all that is natural and human then they will be saved after they die from the fires of "hell." How ironic after you waste your life away on this so called "almighty being" and then when you die you get to live in this so called "Heavan." How can a book control so many people so much? Yes books are wonderful but why have people let them and unknown beings control them. Is it  so they cn blindly continue on and not see the cruelity of this world? Do they see that some are so impacted even though blind to what has hit them they tear apart what they don't understand. The radical ones destroy what is different to what they believe in. Not all  become radical but it just a step away. Before long the ones who don't submit to blind faith will not have to commit suicide because they will kill us for lack of knowing anything better. If their god says kill they do it without question. Why are so many easily swayed? Can't a world survive without this nonsence of religion? All I know is there is bound to be change sooner or later.

You'll never know how much I care

Here I am again. I come here for the release of words and feelings. My heart is entrapped once again. I fall to easy it seems. My hope for love to be right around the corner has always been a flaw of mine. I guess I have always been really dependent but just recently has my eyes been opened to it. Every time I think I know what love is... it changes. I know what it feels like to care about someone with every fiber of your being and although sex has been a thought you really just want to hold them in your arms. With him that's how it is. I don't know what he and I are. Maybe nothing more than a mess but a happy....no not happy but a good mess. I love holding him in my arms running my hands through his hair as he drifts to sleep. I don't know what I want in this life or what it has in store for me but ever since I was little I felt like I needed to be a hero. When I was younger music was my sole salvation. My parents screamed and argued constantly. They didn't make a stereo that went up loud enough to cover that sound. I would turn up my music as loud as can be and curl up in bed and just cry. I guess I had childhood depression that carried on into my teen years. I hope no one ever feels that way that young but they do... and I hate it. Sometime I wish I could just take all the pain in the world and the hate and the terrible things and make them disappear. Even for just a day. I understand as humans we are flawed but why do some of us have to be so cruel? I wish I could take his pain away... I see it deep inside him. He hides it from even his own self. I know what it feels like to have a monster inside you. Its not your fault its there. Someone else put it there and you try day in and day out to fight it off. Its ok I am here for you. My monster is darkness... no one will ever understand what I mean though. Not even me. But its ok because you'll never see this blog. You'll never read the words written here.

your eyes were my muse.

It seems the only time I write in this blog is when sorrow has swept into my heart. When tide of darkness makes it way back into my life. Fighting it off is quite a task. I haven't felt this way in so long. I've lost the flow of my words. Such sweet poetry used to leak from my finger tips. The words I couldn't speak but to write them out they became magic. My only sanity. It was as easy as breathing! Sorrow was the way of life and the sorrow filled words followed it so well. It was my life to write the poetry that expressed me. It was filled with the passion I kept deep inside. I haven't had a good cry in awhile. I've cried but not one that took all the pain and stress from my body and left me drained. That raw feeling was like no other. It reminds you that your still alive and clears your mind of all that controls it. And those few moments before you collapse into deep slumber you just feel one with the world.

short words of brief return

The demons that I fought off for so long threaten me once again. Simply word pushed me down again and the angry beasts to the surface. I need the light to come back again. The light he provides so effortlessly. Sleep...sleep I call for you yet cannot have you.

breath.....breath......

What would they do if they could see just how broken I am? What would they do if they saw that salty liquid stain my bed the color of ruby's? It would be a shock to their blind eyes. No one would be their to save me. I'm all alone now. My heart is aching for relief. Its calls for its cold steel medicine. Tears trickle down as I realise what I have become. I cry out at the moon for a hero to save me from myself. But no hero I see through blurred eyes. When he finally makes an appearance it'll be to late as the moon changes to the sun. All that will be left of life will be an empty glowing computer screen.

I'm sorry! I will try harder!

What have I become? That carefree girl you once knew seems so far away now. All I feel like doing anymore is crying. Is there a reason I'm alive? I don't want to hurt anymore! I just want to be the great girlfriend you once had. I don't want to lose you! Your harsh words cut in me so deep. Do you see how bad they hurt me? They send me back to the deep sea of depression. I've stayed true to you and you doubt my every word. I know its a two way road and I gotta work hard as well as you. You get upset when I don't tell you whats wrong anymore. Its because when I do you get mad and use harsh words that make me feel worse. You might as well have shoved a knife deep in my heart. So do you see now why I've been so distant? Yes you do have a sweet side I only see ocationally or little bit of but I feel your harsh words more. Help me be that girl I used to be!