your eyes were my muse.

It seems the only time I write in this blog is when sorrow has swept into my heart. When tide of darkness makes it way back into my life. Fighting it off is quite a task. I haven't felt this way in so long. I've lost the flow of my words. Such sweet poetry used to leak from my finger tips. The words I couldn't speak but to write them out they became magic. My only sanity. It was as easy as breathing! Sorrow was the way of life and the sorrow filled words followed it so well. It was my life to write the poetry that expressed me. It was filled with the passion I kept deep inside. I haven't had a good cry in awhile. I've cried but not one that took all the pain and stress from my body and left me drained. That raw feeling was like no other. It reminds you that your still alive and clears your mind of all that controls it. And those few moments before you collapse into deep slumber you just feel one with the world.

short words of brief return

The demons that I fought off for so long threaten me once again. Simply word pushed me down again and the angry beasts to the surface. I need the light to come back again. The light he provides so effortlessly. Sleep...sleep I call for you yet cannot have you.

breath.....breath......

What would they do if they could see just how broken I am? What would they do if they saw that salty liquid stain my bed the color of ruby's? It would be a shock to their blind eyes. No one would be their to save me. I'm all alone now. My heart is aching for relief. Its calls for its cold steel medicine. Tears trickle down as I realise what I have become. I cry out at the moon for a hero to save me from myself. But no hero I see through blurred eyes. When he finally makes an appearance it'll be to late as the moon changes to the sun. All that will be left of life will be an empty glowing computer screen.

I'm sorry! I will try harder!

What have I become? That carefree girl you once knew seems so far away now. All I feel like doing anymore is crying. Is there a reason I'm alive? I don't want to hurt anymore! I just want to be the great girlfriend you once had. I don't want to lose you! Your harsh words cut in me so deep. Do you see how bad they hurt me? They send me back to the deep sea of depression. I've stayed true to you and you doubt my every word. I know its a two way road and I gotta work hard as well as you. You get upset when I don't tell you whats wrong anymore. Its because when I do you get mad and use harsh words that make me feel worse. You might as well have shoved a knife deep in my heart. So do you see now why I've been so distant? Yes you do have a sweet side I only see ocationally or little bit of but I feel your harsh words more. Help me be that girl I used to be!

Sex!

Why does it seem like that's the only thing I can think about. Is it the hormones along with the help of the media that fuels it? Without the media's help would I even want it again? There has to be a reason for these strong feelings. What brings it to my head and starts the blood pumping slightly harder than before and cause me to go in and out of sexual daydreams in the middle of class? Do other teens go through this? Or go through it this bad? Its really bad in boring subjects like history! But why?! Why do I wanna fuck his brains out if you will when I'm told that sex before marriage is so wrong? I know the hippies had sex before marriage but they didn't get married as early as the generation before them and us, the generation now sure as does not get married early. I love him and they tell me I do not know of love yet that I am too young. Then what is this feeling inside me that feel so beautiful and natural?

I don't want the depression to come back :(

I'm so alone now. No one wants or needs me around. So why I do I hold onto this life so helplessly. I'm not really special at anything. I don't do anything extrodinary. I'm just a broken lost soul. Is my fate really to end up alone with only my broken dreams to clasps to. Do you know that kind of pain that seeps deep into your soul that only your loved one can cause? It just eats you inside and out like nothing else. How can I love myself when most out there just one bring me down? I know I don't deserve his love or anyones. My fears are put out in my face almost everyday. They all show me the failure I am told I will become...And no out there has time to read my words but him. I don't know if he even cares to read them. He has become so cold and numb to me when the distance is great for long period of times. I know he loves and cares for he shows it a times but not when I break down. He only has hate for me when the tears fall. I am so loyal to him and he doesn't believe me. No other guy would even take the time to look at me even if I cared for them to. Which I am not. One good thing that happened after coming back to edmond is after the belt test the first time in my life my mom said she was proud of me and meant it. yay. Progress is being made I hope. Just wish I was with him...

wish i was with you

The loneliness is the usual now. I hurt from the lack of you. Were still the way we were before right? I haven't fucked everything up right? How does one make it through life without being depressed? What did I do wrong? What if I can't be happy all the time? Will that make you want to leave? What if I can never learn to love myself because people are constantly showing me the ugly they see in me? You say I'm beautiful but I know I can't be the most beautiful girl you've seen. You say I always look sad on vf but do you understand that its the distance from you that makes me sad? I'm missing all the little things I take for granted when I'm with you like being able to hold your arm as we walked along or the walks with you or simply the feeling of your hand in mine. I don't know what to with myself anymore. And everyday it seems like some girl could come by and still you from me and I wouldn't even have a chance to stop it. Your so hansome, kind, sweet and loving. I'm lucky you even give a broken girl like me a chance when there are so many other I know that prolly try for you everyday. I know you think I'm crazy to think this way. Maybe I think this way because my mom does. I've become the one person I never wanted to be like. Please save me from her terrible fate. I don't want to be her! She is everything I don't wanna be but everything I'm becoming. Save me. I've been so close to death before. I'm trying to fight these demons away for you. Something is wrong in my head and I don't know why. What if I'm crazy...I know I sound crazy. I have no idea why my head is messed up. And I don't wanna drag you down with me but I need you!