Breath in the Words I Tried to Send

You're stuck in my mind like a disease. I can't do anything without you being there. I don't even know you. But I adore you. How can this be? I'd drop everything I have right now to be with you. Is this new or a memory of past love? I am a fool as you should know now. I'm a crazy emotion filled woman and I have passion beyond your wildest dreams and fantasies. But I can't promise I'll always be there. I can't stay in one place long. It depresses me to stuck in a single location, knowing the same people and their every movements. I can't do it anymore. I need to see the world. I need to meet new people. I'm so sick of taking care of people. I thought I wanted people to need me and I do to a point but this is ridiculous. I shouldn't be the air that you breath and only with me around you will live. I hate that so much because when I fall in love with a man it is because of who he is without me. I'm not perfection...I am me. I have a million flaws and I still love myself with all of them...well most of the time. But the sad thing is that I feel like you're become like the rest. I mean it's not a bad thing. I feel like I impact everyone who lets me close enough to do so. I change people and that sounds cocky but we all do. Everything we do effects someone else. Oh and words...words are the most powerful thing on this planet. The words are what makes us the alpha's of the animal kingdom. It's so strange that the most minuit words can change someone so much. Simple words when put together in a sentence can change a person. But what do you do when your words won't go through? Because you are your words.

Life in Prospective

I just feel that I'm in a place right now that I need to get rid of all my baggage. I need a fresh start in a new place with new faces, especially a certain British one. I have no idea what the world holds for me but I feel being here with people who constantly hold me back will be the end of me. I can't stay here and be happy! I need to live my life because right now I'm just here barely breathing. I kinda wanna disappear and tell no one where I've gone. Start over new in a place of my choosing. Is what speak of complete nonsense? I may only be 19 but something tells me to run to you. My mind seems to be saying, "Leeds" with only an accent that I know to be you. Forgive me for my faults...for my dark past weighs heavy on my mind. Is it really as dark as my parents play it out to be? Ask not about my past just keep in mind that I like you and you make me happy. You know by this blog that I fall so quickly but I like how you have kept me at somewhat of a distance. I like how you are so very cautious with me and at times too shy to speak. I like your innocence. Its hard to find here. I like how you appreciate my body without being a total perv about it. I like how there is this side of you that kinda wants to be a perv about it. I like how you seem to like me back. I like that I'm on your mind. And I like how even though I'm on your mind you still continue with your life. I like how if we never talked again you'd be ok. I like how your American accent is terrible and how I can't tell if your singing is rubbish or your just playing around. I like how you try so hard to make me smile. I like how we have kinda know each other for awhile but just now really started speaking. I like how surprised you are when I tell you that I think you're fit and have thought so for awhile. I like how talking to you made me realise that I need to just let go. And I think it is crazy that I actually have considered leaving everything here behind and living there. Maybe it's because I live in this fantasy world but I just feel like my happy ending isn't here in Oklahoma. I'm not ok with settling down in Oklahoma and raising a family. I want more out of life!!!! I wanna see the world and I don't want people around that tell me that I can't. I'm tired of being chained down in Oklahoma when I could be free and happy in London. I don't know if you'll ever read this but I'm not happy here.

Relief

You know when you find those rare moments of peace among the chaos? That is where my happy place is! It's that moment of just pure bliss and even though everything may fall apart tomorrow...right now it's okay....everything is okay. And all the things stressing me out seem so far away and I'm okay. All the great friends I have lost seem...seem well okay...in a way that their happy now and not in a way that I'm happy to be rid of them because believe me I, for one, am not. This is the moment that every addict lives for...the outcome of bliss from their addiction. It may be wrong and misunderstand from one addict to another but they all...we all understand that moment of bliss after the deed is done. In that moment we don't feel dirty or depressed...we just feel happy and content. Whatever the addiction may be whether its drugs or sex or religion it keeps us living and fighting for another day. And who am I or you to say that one is more wrong than another? We all just want freedom from the stress of this world and it is your choice to make about your body and mine to make about my own. Every single person has an addition. So why cast one out for sex when the other is smoking up a storm? Why cast out a druggie when the other is getting a religious high? We're all just living for those moments of bliss...even if it destroys us.

random thoughts

The room was a blur of light and dark. My ears were flooded with upbeat tempos begging my body to move to it. My breath was short and quick and my mind was slowed. My body moved before I could register it. We were spinning in the blur of light with heavy tension between us. Our eyes spoke what out minds screamed. Each time I remember this it grow less and less like moment was. But the fondest part is the questioning of my actions. I knew not what to do next.

A shot to the chest

I am a fool. Why am I so blind? I keep putting myself in this position and I feel that I'll never learn. My need for love and attention is strong and deep inside of me. And as much as I try to love...I just keep hurting people. He almost died because of me...ME. What am I? I am nothing special in the least. Hopefully now he can be happy.

Thoughts better left unsaid

You ever get that feeling like you need to rebel against everything you are? Like you and everything in your life is meaning less? Like nothing makes since anymore. They don't get you... no one does. Everyone is just a product of a flawed idea. Nothing new or original can come of anyone because were all the same. Trends go and come as do ideas. We follow leaders of intelligence or beauty but what are the value in either of these if no one else understands you or not a single thought of relevance enters your head. The masses flock to stupidity to find bliss. They believe that some higher being is out there and created everything just so they don't have to find the true answer. I don't understand why they follow so blindly. Doesn't their mind ask them...tell them to seek out the truth? Do they willingly push those thought away or is it a product if the system? And what of this holy bible? Words written in a book that people claimed as real and important so let us all follow it blindly with no objections or questions. Does anyone really have a mind of their own? Or is our every thought just a product of others influence. My thoughts here written for all to see are just a product of others thoughts but are they my own conclusions or are they the thoughts of others close to me? Every person even those close to you are just trying to get deep into your mind. Reach into the depths of it and pull what you is left in there out.Who knows if this thought process is true or just the thought to misguide you from the truth. But in any case they are cast off as the thoughts of a crazy person to those who are blind. Those who live in the dim light and are ok with it and have no ambition for more.

6 Months

If you look at me now and at me 6 months ago you would see a different person. 6 months ago I was ending my last year of highschool and scared to face the world ahead with a vage idea of what my future held. Friends came then with easy a shot in one hand and a mind filled with secrets. I hid behind a mask and felt as though every word I said had to be correct or the mask would break and those friends would dissapear. One day I decided to be brave to be vunerable to those I held dear. I lost a friend I had gotten close to these past 6 months and though it hurt I learned to let go. Why hold on to what was never mine to hold onto? I am the keeper of my fate and she is of her fate. I'm not proud of the actions I took the past 6 months but I loved the memories I made. I helped a bird fly that without me seemed to have clipped wings. Or rather a flower that grew new petals of firey reds and oranges. After all pain is the best inspiration. In the matter of weeks I've been away I've grown inside so much. I now know we were never met to really be friends we were suppose to be blips in each others life. From here we grow. I will fly higher than I've ever been and you will grow to have the brightest of petals. Direct your life how you want it to be.