broken from stupid thoughts

I'm sorry I'm not good enough for you. I'm sorry I no longer make you happy. I know I'm the biggest mistake of your life. I feel like you dread even talking to me. I feel empty and lonely. You must see how pathetic I am. Do you realise that this depression is breaking me down? I'm just bringing you down. All I seem to do is hurt you anymore. I'm sorry I ruined you life. I know I'm not special. And I know your going to find someone better than me. I know I'm not worth your time. I'm just a dumb girl that's a bundle of emotions. You deserve better but I don't want to let you go.

Future memories

These years are flying by so fast. I'm already suppose to get a job. Ugh that I'm truly dreading. My mom is constantly on my case about it which doesn't help at all! I'm 16 and still haven't learned because when I do my parents scream at me and it stress me out so much I'm just like fuck it. So I just don't don't drive. I have my permit because I retain what I read. I just wanna go back to middle where the only thing I had to worry about was boys. lol jk. I really wouldn't wanna go back to middle....maybe 8th grade. Ha ha that whole year was a blow off year. Would not wanna go to the summer before that.... I was a complete wreck. My favorite class in 7th and 8th grade was multi-media! Me and Carolina made so awful movies. lol but they were funny! Freshman year I was a weird mess. I saw Justin everyday and I still loved him then but it was like I was invisible. Oh well now I have Aaron! He made all those other guys not even matter! Fuck them I got Aaron! Their the ones that fucked up! I love you so much baby!

Freedom for the fearful

I thought I just wanted to settle down and have a family. But now I just wanna get OUT of this town and see the world! My spirit needs to be free not stuck in this house. I wanna get out of this state! This room is driving me insane. I FEEL LIKE I'M STUCK IN A CAGE! While my friend are out driving around town having fun I'm stuck in this house alone. I'm tired of being a good kid. I wanna get out of here and have fun! But am I ready for the responsiblilty?

pretty little fuck up

All I can see is you wanting her. All I can feel is pain because something inside me is saying your not over her. Even after all she did to hurt you. I think that if she decided to take you back you would go running to her with everything you got. Why would you care about the past with her if you love me. You say you don't love her but little things say you still do. And for someone to save you like that they make an impact on your life. You don't just forget a love like that. And for you to say if I played you like she did you would forget me when she did it so much and you still loved her with every fucking fiber of your being. It just kills me that I know that. It kills you to be around her because you love her still. I give you my heart and all you truely want is hers. And I'm so stupid because I still love you with everything I got even though I know this. I love you I truely do and I hope you love me more than her but I don't know. I doubt you'll ever see this. If you really know me instead of texting me you would be on here reading how bad I'm hurting but you won't. You don't need to know. I'll never quite be good enough for anyone and I always fuck up.

Broken from his absence

Tonight I'll let my tears fall and he will not know. I'll hide my empty pain from him from now on. He will only see me content. Never again will he have to hear my pathetic cry. He will be shield from the darkness. He will only see the light even if its fake. I will protect his heart from my cold bitter soul. Depression its back like a lost friend. I can see he is growing tired of me. I am no longer special. Was I ever? Only god knows. Maybe its my place to disappear. Maybe its my destiny to fade away into the darkness and never return. Would he notice? I know I'm not worth a second of his time. I'm no better than the rest. He will tire of me like he did her. I don't wanna hold him back but I just don't wanna let go. I will if he wants me to. As much as I want to tell him my pain I will not burden him with it. I will not tell anyone. I'll cry the night away and put the mask of happiness on during the day. I know everyone would be happier if I was gone but I'm not strong enough to do it. I wish I could make their lives better but I can't. I know he is tired of me. He deserves so much better.

What is wrong?

Tonight my boyfriend claimed like many others to have been touched by god. I don't understand this. He says i'm just not ready yet. But will I ever be? I find myself closer to the side of science instead of "blind" beliefs. I guess if you have faith then you don't need proof. But am I wrong if I'm not ready to follow mindlessly to a religion. Am I some kind of "evil?"

The brighter side of life

I've been given a great life by my parents. There is no doubt about that. They spoiled me like crazy but raised me still with my humanity present. I have this feeling like I'm destined for something more. Like it's waiting to be released. Its just finding that thing that makes this unsettling feeling disappear. I feel trapped but yet not. I drift away from this world in a good book. It takes me away from the reality of my failing life. I just can't seem to get it right most of the time. I found a wonderful guy that brings the happiness and sadness in just the right amount. He makes me see the world a bit differently than I am. He will never know how much he really saved me. I just wish I could have been the one to save him. Because I know he'll never forget the person who did and neither will I. It sucks because I want to be the savior. You know? The one needed the most. I guess that's a downfall of mine. I just want to be needed and no one seems to find a need for me. Ugh there I go again bring the pathetic side out. He will not be forgotten and I hope a time never comes were I have to pretend to. He will be in my mind forever whether it be happy memories or haunting me (if he shall decide to leave). And I am happy about that. For if it wasn't for him I would be seeing this world in this new shade of bright! I love him and glad he decided to have me be part of his life!