Sex!

Why does it seem like that's the only thing I can think about. Is it the hormones along with the help of the media that fuels it? Without the media's help would I even want it again? There has to be a reason for these strong feelings. What brings it to my head and starts the blood pumping slightly harder than before and cause me to go in and out of sexual daydreams in the middle of class? Do other teens go through this? Or go through it this bad? Its really bad in boring subjects like history! But why?! Why do I wanna fuck his brains out if you will when I'm told that sex before marriage is so wrong? I know the hippies had sex before marriage but they didn't get married as early as the generation before them and us, the generation now sure as does not get married early. I love him and they tell me I do not know of love yet that I am too young. Then what is this feeling inside me that feel so beautiful and natural?

I don't want the depression to come back :(

I'm so alone now. No one wants or needs me around. So why I do I hold onto this life so helplessly. I'm not really special at anything. I don't do anything extrodinary. I'm just a broken lost soul. Is my fate really to end up alone with only my broken dreams to clasps to. Do you know that kind of pain that seeps deep into your soul that only your loved one can cause? It just eats you inside and out like nothing else. How can I love myself when most out there just one bring me down? I know I don't deserve his love or anyones. My fears are put out in my face almost everyday. They all show me the failure I am told I will become...And no out there has time to read my words but him. I don't know if he even cares to read them. He has become so cold and numb to me when the distance is great for long period of times. I know he loves and cares for he shows it a times but not when I break down. He only has hate for me when the tears fall. I am so loyal to him and he doesn't believe me. No other guy would even take the time to look at me even if I cared for them to. Which I am not. One good thing that happened after coming back to edmond is after the belt test the first time in my life my mom said she was proud of me and meant it. yay. Progress is being made I hope. Just wish I was with him...

wish i was with you

The loneliness is the usual now. I hurt from the lack of you. Were still the way we were before right? I haven't fucked everything up right? How does one make it through life without being depressed? What did I do wrong? What if I can't be happy all the time? Will that make you want to leave? What if I can never learn to love myself because people are constantly showing me the ugly they see in me? You say I'm beautiful but I know I can't be the most beautiful girl you've seen. You say I always look sad on vf but do you understand that its the distance from you that makes me sad? I'm missing all the little things I take for granted when I'm with you like being able to hold your arm as we walked along or the walks with you or simply the feeling of your hand in mine. I don't know what to with myself anymore. And everyday it seems like some girl could come by and still you from me and I wouldn't even have a chance to stop it. Your so hansome, kind, sweet and loving. I'm lucky you even give a broken girl like me a chance when there are so many other I know that prolly try for you everyday. I know you think I'm crazy to think this way. Maybe I think this way because my mom does. I've become the one person I never wanted to be like. Please save me from her terrible fate. I don't want to be her! She is everything I don't wanna be but everything I'm becoming. Save me. I've been so close to death before. I'm trying to fight these demons away for you. Something is wrong in my head and I don't know why. What if I'm crazy...I know I sound crazy. I have no idea why my head is messed up. And I don't wanna drag you down with me but I need you!

Your my soul mate! My everything!

Why do they do this to me? Can't they see I love you?! No they don't care enough to see the pain they cause me. I'm so alone here. Sure I have friends but even they do not have time for me. You make the pain bareable. I just want to cry all the time now. You wonder why I hate myself so much. Well when everything your told is how your fucking up and basically that your a mistake you would want it to all end too! You would be like me. I used to wonder if anybody would even miss me. They prolly would rejoice at my death. Only you would cry for me now. I live for you and me. If you had not come into my life to calm my storm...i don't know if I'd be alive today. You give me hope that I never had before! You give me life!

EMO NOT KNOWN

You tell me I gotta learn to be lonely more now. So I will. Its not like I haven't been before. I'll make it for you but I can't garentee to be happy. I'll prolly be emo more than you care to deal with. I just hope you don't give up on me. Because even though I know I could handle it...I don't wanna have to deal with pain like that. But I also don't want you to fake like you want to be with me. I'm sorry I know you deserve better...but I don't wanna lose you.

Life isn't so lively

I'm alive but I'm not living. They don't trust me to make the right decision. I'm not that bad am? Then why every time they say something I feel so worthless and unwanted. I feel like I'm just a hassle to them. I'm sure their life would be so much happier without me. I'm such a bit let down that I'll hide away so they don't have to see my face. They haven't seen a tear fall across this face in quite some time and they won't for a long time. I learn to comfort myself a long time ago because I knew they wouldn't. Its so sad that now I can't even tell them the truth. For fear they'll just get me on trouble. All I want is to be there for him but they don't care. They wouldn't listen even if I tried to tell them how I feel. But its not use fighting with them anymore it wouldn't help. Could I really take the leap and move? I'm so scared but it might come down to that. I just hope it isn't till I graduate. I just don't know to do anymore. How long can I pretend to be happy here without him? Only god knows and he brought god back to my life. We have gone through s too much to give up now so I'll just continue fighting my silent battle.

...................:(

All I ever do is start fights anymore. And you end up hurting cuz I'm a bitch! Its not fair for u!