Broken from his absence

Tonight I'll let my tears fall and he will not know. I'll hide my empty pain from him from now on. He will only see me content. Never again will he have to hear my pathetic cry. He will be shield from the darkness. He will only see the light even if its fake. I will protect his heart from my cold bitter soul. Depression its back like a lost friend. I can see he is growing tired of me. I am no longer special. Was I ever? Only god knows. Maybe its my place to disappear. Maybe its my destiny to fade away into the darkness and never return. Would he notice? I know I'm not worth a second of his time. I'm no better than the rest. He will tire of me like he did her. I don't wanna hold him back but I just don't wanna let go. I will if he wants me to. As much as I want to tell him my pain I will not burden him with it. I will not tell anyone. I'll cry the night away and put the mask of happiness on during the day. I know everyone would be happier if I was gone but I'm not strong enough to do it. I wish I could make their lives better but I can't. I know he is tired of me. He deserves so much better.

What is wrong?

Tonight my boyfriend claimed like many others to have been touched by god. I don't understand this. He says i'm just not ready yet. But will I ever be? I find myself closer to the side of science instead of "blind" beliefs. I guess if you have faith then you don't need proof. But am I wrong if I'm not ready to follow mindlessly to a religion. Am I some kind of "evil?"

The brighter side of life

I've been given a great life by my parents. There is no doubt about that. They spoiled me like crazy but raised me still with my humanity present. I have this feeling like I'm destined for something more. Like it's waiting to be released. Its just finding that thing that makes this unsettling feeling disappear. I feel trapped but yet not. I drift away from this world in a good book. It takes me away from the reality of my failing life. I just can't seem to get it right most of the time. I found a wonderful guy that brings the happiness and sadness in just the right amount. He makes me see the world a bit differently than I am. He will never know how much he really saved me. I just wish I could have been the one to save him. Because I know he'll never forget the person who did and neither will I. It sucks because I want to be the savior. You know? The one needed the most. I guess that's a downfall of mine. I just want to be needed and no one seems to find a need for me. Ugh there I go again bring the pathetic side out. He will not be forgotten and I hope a time never comes were I have to pretend to. He will be in my mind forever whether it be happy memories or haunting me (if he shall decide to leave). And I am happy about that. For if it wasn't for him I would be seeing this world in this new shade of bright! I love him and glad he decided to have me be part of his life!

How can this be life?

These four cream colored walls bare down on me. My silent scream is so loud for no one can hear it. The noises of this place makes put images that I hate to play. Always spinning hoping I don't slip into insanity. Questioning my health so easily I don't answer for fear of what I'll find. Darkness finds its way into my light. There is no way to fight it now. Am I worth the confusion I'm causing you? Sleep, oh sweet slumber you thought I slipped into. I long for it yet it does not come. The noises become so loud when your in solitude. Don't let a sound slip from your scared little lips. They might find you. Dragging you deeper into this darkness called my mind. Do you hear that beating at my window? My curiosity will not win this time. Hush now don't make a sound. It's the calm before the storm. Why can't I just sleep? Whats wrong with me? I have no idea...so I won't drag you any deeper but you wish to continue. Help me escape my mind. I need to be with you and all this madness....darkness disappears. Your the pleasant numbing of this depression. Hold me in your arms and I will be saved. I will be happy.

You make me so happy! We should be happy!

We may fight alot that is true. But I'm not tired and I'm not ready to give up on you! You make me so happy when I'm sad. Your my angel. It's so true. I know your shaking your head no but baby you held me up when I felt like giving up. You saved my life. I don't think you realise this. I don't want anyone else Aaron! I want you and only you! Your laugh makes me smile even over the phone. I love how I bring out the playful side in you. I love the way your eyes sparkle when you look at me! I love the way your watch is a bit too big on your wrist. I LOVE YOU AND EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU! And the cure for my loneliness is simply hearing your lovely voice! No other man can even compete against you for my love! Your the best and absolutely perfect in my eyes!

Babe I love you!

Say my name. I just want to hear you speak my name. It makes me smile and my heart beat fast. Am I crazy for letting you have my heart completely? My parents sure think so. You’re the only one who can make me smile when I’m depressed. How can I not love someone who is so perfect in my eyes for me. I might be blinded by love but I’d rather be blind with you then seeing clearly with anyone else. I love the sparkle in your eyes when your happy. I hate see in those salty burning droplets fall across your soft face. It breaks my heart to see you hurt that much. I would give anything to never see that sadness in your eyes again. It’s like when I look in those blue spheres I can see the depths of your tortured soul. I hope this doesn’t turn into another of my stupid sappy heartbreaks. Though I would never kill myself trusting people with my emotions would be even harder. I might be depressed sometimes but I try to be happy for you. The way my body tingles when our hands touch is unlike any other. It’s like electricity flows from your hand to mine through my body and back to you. Do you feel it too? Do you get butterfly to every time you see me? You’ll never know how much you have made me stronger. You saved me in so many ways that night. You don’t even know how grateful I am!