Relief

You know when you find those rare moments of peace among the chaos? That is where my happy place is! It's that moment of just pure bliss and even though everything may fall apart tomorrow...right now it's okay....everything is okay. And all the things stressing me out seem so far away and I'm okay. All the great friends I have lost seem...seem well okay...in a way that their happy now and not in a way that I'm happy to be rid of them because believe me I, for one, am not. This is the moment that every addict lives for...the outcome of bliss from their addiction. It may be wrong and misunderstand from one addict to another but they all...we all understand that moment of bliss after the deed is done. In that moment we don't feel dirty or depressed...we just feel happy and content. Whatever the addiction may be whether its drugs or sex or religion it keeps us living and fighting for another day. And who am I or you to say that one is more wrong than another? We all just want freedom from the stress of this world and it is your choice to make about your body and mine to make about my own. Every single person has an addition. So why cast one out for sex when the other is smoking up a storm? Why cast out a druggie when the other is getting a religious high? We're all just living for those moments of bliss...even if it destroys us.

random thoughts

The room was a blur of light and dark. My ears were flooded with upbeat tempos begging my body to move to it. My breath was short and quick and my mind was slowed. My body moved before I could register it. We were spinning in the blur of light with heavy tension between us. Our eyes spoke what out minds screamed. Each time I remember this it grow less and less like moment was. But the fondest part is the questioning of my actions. I knew not what to do next.

A shot to the chest

I am a fool. Why am I so blind? I keep putting myself in this position and I feel that I'll never learn. My need for love and attention is strong and deep inside of me. And as much as I try to love...I just keep hurting people. He almost died because of me...ME. What am I? I am nothing special in the least. Hopefully now he can be happy.

Thoughts better left unsaid

You ever get that feeling like you need to rebel against everything you are? Like you and everything in your life is meaning less? Like nothing makes since anymore. They don't get you... no one does. Everyone is just a product of a flawed idea. Nothing new or original can come of anyone because were all the same. Trends go and come as do ideas. We follow leaders of intelligence or beauty but what are the value in either of these if no one else understands you or not a single thought of relevance enters your head. The masses flock to stupidity to find bliss. They believe that some higher being is out there and created everything just so they don't have to find the true answer. I don't understand why they follow so blindly. Doesn't their mind ask them...tell them to seek out the truth? Do they willingly push those thought away or is it a product if the system? And what of this holy bible? Words written in a book that people claimed as real and important so let us all follow it blindly with no objections or questions. Does anyone really have a mind of their own? Or is our every thought just a product of others influence. My thoughts here written for all to see are just a product of others thoughts but are they my own conclusions or are they the thoughts of others close to me? Every person even those close to you are just trying to get deep into your mind. Reach into the depths of it and pull what you is left in there out.Who knows if this thought process is true or just the thought to misguide you from the truth. But in any case they are cast off as the thoughts of a crazy person to those who are blind. Those who live in the dim light and are ok with it and have no ambition for more.

6 Months

If you look at me now and at me 6 months ago you would see a different person. 6 months ago I was ending my last year of highschool and scared to face the world ahead with a vage idea of what my future held. Friends came then with easy a shot in one hand and a mind filled with secrets. I hid behind a mask and felt as though every word I said had to be correct or the mask would break and those friends would dissapear. One day I decided to be brave to be vunerable to those I held dear. I lost a friend I had gotten close to these past 6 months and though it hurt I learned to let go. Why hold on to what was never mine to hold onto? I am the keeper of my fate and she is of her fate. I'm not proud of the actions I took the past 6 months but I loved the memories I made. I helped a bird fly that without me seemed to have clipped wings. Or rather a flower that grew new petals of firey reds and oranges. After all pain is the best inspiration. In the matter of weeks I've been away I've grown inside so much. I now know we were never met to really be friends we were suppose to be blips in each others life. From here we grow. I will fly higher than I've ever been and you will grow to have the brightest of petals. Direct your life how you want it to be.

STARVED

The hunger is more than some can deal with.
It drives us all forward towards greatness or failure.
It’s our addictions and our goals.
We become our greatest hunger.
It’s our only desire!
The hunger for food,
For lust,
For love,
For ourselves,
For a way out,
For that next fix.
We all do it.
We all try to hide it…
Our worst hunger from the all-knowing faces.
We all just want someone in which we can share and heal our hunger.
We are in such need that it threatens to take our very lives or others.
Some do fall to the hunger, the desire,
The want to reach either happiness or nothingness.
Decide your path carefully before the hunger takes over
And chooses for you.

Warning this is an over dramatic, hormonal post. DO NOT TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY!

Dear Tommy Carnation,
I love you to death but you're tearing me apart. You'd rather hang out with him and well Hannah but she isn't what I'm upset over I actually expected that. But you would hand out with that guy you've hated with a passion for so long and you've told me that multiple times. You lied to me which I guess I deserve but didn't expect. I get your upset really I do but you said we were still friends. Your avoiding me and it hurts because I know you are. I've seen you do it to others before I just never thought you'd actually do it to me. You said we're still friends but are we really? You're avoiding me like I'm the worst person in the world. Since when is being third wheel with Hannah and fucking PETER RAMOS better than hanging with me? I didn't become your friend for physical stuff. That stuff just happened and I told josh about it and he said was ok he understood. I never lied about anything else! But why would you believe me? And you'll read this and more than likely become more angry but seriously what do I have to lose anymore? You won't even hardly talk to me let alone hang with me. See that's the bad thing about us...we're so much alike yet so different. You're my BEST FRIEND!!! Well you were and I miss you like fucking crazy. You don't even know. An it hurts so bad that you'd rather hang out with others than me and especially Peter Ramos!!! You might as well have slit my chest open and tore my heart out and hacked it to pieces. I hurt you and you hurt me. Now can we go to like it used to be? You don't know how many tears I've cried because I knew I hurt you. I balled my fucking eyes out. I couldn't word it right in text there is no way I could of in person. I know I should have told you sooner but I didn't and I can't change that. But really Peter Ramos? Fucking A! Seriously? And if you don't wanna hang out with me just say so. I know I hurt you but you're seriously breaking my heart. I love you like a sister! I'm just so fucking sorry!!! OK?

Missing you,
Mikey Cardinal

I don't know how love I can take this....

I look in the mirror at this face I can't stand. I lift my shirt to find a mostly flat stomach and its not enough. I look at myself in such disgust and I can't stand it. I look down at my thighs and I'm repulsed by it size if on anyone else I wouldn't care. But on me it brings a knot to my stomach. How can I be a slut when I can't even catch the eyes of a man? How vain I can be and yet you still see me as humble. I'm a terrible thing I really am. I am a bad act waiting to happen and a bad influence that happened out of shear luck. Luck may not be the right word but it works for now. I want to be alone but then I have a hatred of being alone. Because I sit here and see how terrible I am. And my parents aren't shy to point out all that is wrong with me. I never seem to do enough and always seem to do whats wrong. How can a flower grow if its deprived of sunlight. Those shallow moments you decide to tell me how proud you are of me you follow it up with all that I'm doing wrong and how so much better I could be if I weren't me. I get it I know I'm a lazy slut in your eyes but just because I'm living my summer out alone because a lack of car and lots of friends doesn't mean you should tear me down more. Because one day...ONE DAY I WON'T BE ABLE TO TAKE IT ANYMORE AND I'LL BE DEAD...

LUST!

What am I to do? You led me on so easily. Not that it was hard for you with your charm and my want for human touch. Now you play with my emotions and make my heart ache. And you not talking to me is making me want you more. I feel that as soon as I let you in you'll rip my world apart. I want you and for some reason I want to date you! Its not so strange I've a crush on you before. Is my lust such a terrible thing? Would you break me into peices if I let you in? I need to get out of ths mind! I need to stop ths want...this painful lust! Do you even care about me? Would you care if I was dead? Please let me know you care! I'm becoming attached and it terrible! I need to let go! I'm so tired of being alone!!! Why do I feel the need to date you? I miss your touch...

Forget me...please don't leave me.

Is this what life is all about? Living for the little moments of happiness. The car rides with windows down and music pulsing through your veins. Is that what life is all about. Moments of happiness for times of deep sadness. A sadness that in soak in your bones and won't wash away but is hidden by the suns sweet blinding gaze. People see me in the light and see not my side of treacherous things. I am no saint... I've done things that nobody should do. And I can tell no one. I'll lose them all if I did. I'll lose my sun and windowless car rides. I am broken that is clearly seen but you'll never know who or what broke me. I am told I have a whole life ahead of me but I don't know how I can handle it. Who was I kidding I'm no hero. No matter all the good I do I will never be able to back that moment I'll never get "redemption" if you will for lack of a better word. Trust me not for I am a pitiful shell of a human. I have gotten all I deserved. All I had given I was served back. And I deserve it ten times worse. I didn't know...I mean I did but I didn't. That is no excuse though. I how do I be happy when I'm alone?

You're so blind...

Do you see? What you were to me is no longer. You were my vice... My reason to continue but now...now your gone. You don't see me. There is no longer room for me in your life. I don't understand but it hurts. I'm falling apart. This lonely heart of mine aches. This ache that's cured temporarily by friends but it returns. I love them dearly but there is a hole in my heart that needs filled. The pain they held off for so long has returned. I can't seem to fight it. There is no clever lines this time. All the words you said now break my heart.

What is happening in this world?

So many suicides of todays youth. So many of us who can't bare to deal with what the world has become!!! Have we gotten smarter or more stupid? Some of us blindly following faith that has been so deeply rooted and others casting the roots of religion that now seems so foolish and impossible aside. Who is right in this world? Is it better to be ignorant of the world and hope a invisible being will save you and to thank him when he tears your world apart. Or is it better to know and to have knowledge but be in pain at the weight of this knowledge because so many have choosen to never learn it and never give it a chance because an all mighty book says not to. How can such good people be so blind but they do live in bliss their blind bliss that everything will be ok if they believe in there almighty god. If they refuse all that is natural and human then they will be saved after they die from the fires of "hell." How ironic after you waste your life away on this so called "almighty being" and then when you die you get to live in this so called "Heavan." How can a book control so many people so much? Yes books are wonderful but why have people let them and unknown beings control them. Is it  so they cn blindly continue on and not see the cruelity of this world? Do they see that some are so impacted even though blind to what has hit them they tear apart what they don't understand. The radical ones destroy what is different to what they believe in. Not all  become radical but it just a step away. Before long the ones who don't submit to blind faith will not have to commit suicide because they will kill us for lack of knowing anything better. If their god says kill they do it without question. Why are so many easily swayed? Can't a world survive without this nonsence of religion? All I know is there is bound to be change sooner or later.

You'll never know how much I care

Here I am again. I come here for the release of words and feelings. My heart is entrapped once again. I fall to easy it seems. My hope for love to be right around the corner has always been a flaw of mine. I guess I have always been really dependent but just recently has my eyes been opened to it. Every time I think I know what love is... it changes. I know what it feels like to care about someone with every fiber of your being and although sex has been a thought you really just want to hold them in your arms. With him that's how it is. I don't know what he and I are. Maybe nothing more than a mess but a happy....no not happy but a good mess. I love holding him in my arms running my hands through his hair as he drifts to sleep. I don't know what I want in this life or what it has in store for me but ever since I was little I felt like I needed to be a hero. When I was younger music was my sole salvation. My parents screamed and argued constantly. They didn't make a stereo that went up loud enough to cover that sound. I would turn up my music as loud as can be and curl up in bed and just cry. I guess I had childhood depression that carried on into my teen years. I hope no one ever feels that way that young but they do... and I hate it. Sometime I wish I could just take all the pain in the world and the hate and the terrible things and make them disappear. Even for just a day. I understand as humans we are flawed but why do some of us have to be so cruel? I wish I could take his pain away... I see it deep inside him. He hides it from even his own self. I know what it feels like to have a monster inside you. Its not your fault its there. Someone else put it there and you try day in and day out to fight it off. Its ok I am here for you. My monster is darkness... no one will ever understand what I mean though. Not even me. But its ok because you'll never see this blog. You'll never read the words written here.